Saturday, February 19, 2011

A Story About a Gnome and Broken Dreams....Part 1

*Note: this blog post has absolutely nothing, whatsoever to do with Russia. I am simply bored off my ass at the moment and need to do so something other than chill on Facebook and playing solitaire, so here goes. Despite the initial direction, this is NOT a love story.*

Not so long ago, in a little village in a country you'd all know, but for the sake of your sanity shall remain undisclosed, lived a gnome named Quincy.  Quincy was like any other gnome, tending to his garden, riding around on his squirrel James and doing little home repairs around his hollowed out tree stump of a home.  He lived an ordinary life (by gnome standards) and as far as he knew nothing would ever change, but he was okay with that. He liked his life alright and him and James got along just fine.  So when one day, Quincy met his first human, he was quite in shock.

It was brisk autumn morning, the wind whipping at Quincy's beard as he rode atop James. The color of sunset all around in the changing leaves and marshmallow clouds passing over head.  Quincy was out for a morning ride, enjoying James' company (as we all know gnomes can speak to animals) when he saw her.  She was strolling about the woods.  No, perhaps not strolling, rather gracefully prancing along the trail.

Quincy had heard the legends and myths concerning human existence, but he had never, for one second, believed them to be true.  He was absolutely shocked to this...this...this creature and in HIS wood no less. While he had never believed in humans, he had always held a slightly odd fascination (for gnomes anyway) with the possibility of their existence and as such he had done a fair amount of reading about humans.

"From my research, I'd wager she's about 30 I'd say" Quincy said to James.  James, having heard a great deal about the possibility of humans from Quincy agreed.  Quincy, who was around 30 himself (Gnomes don't celebrate birthdays and their idea of years are slightly different) found his first human ever to be quite beautiful.  In fact, he was awestruck by her beauty and decided to approach her.

Laura had woken up that morning feel really good about life, the first time since she'd broken up with her boyfriend James.   "I feel so great this morning! It looks nice out, so I think I'll take some time for me and go find that new trail I heard about!"

So she got up, had her breakfast, got dressed and hopped in her car and made her way to this new trailhead she'd heard about.  A friend of hers had told her when he and some friends had come up and dropped some acid. He said they'd seen some really crazy stuff.  Laura had no intention of dropping anything, except for her disillusionment with men at the moment. She wanted to enjoy nature, to see the leaves changing color and maybe see a deer or two, but mainly she wanted to forget about life for a little while.

As a human, she had obviously heard of gnomes, even believing in them once as a young girl.  But as for as expecting to see one that day, she certainly did not.  When she turned and saw Quincy (though she didn't know his name yet) riding on the squirrel, she froze. She just stared and let out a little, slightly audible "Uhh" before slowly starting to back away. If she was amazed at the sight of a gnome, she was even more so when it spoke to her.

"Hi there!" were the words that first came out of Quincy's mouth and they seemed to have shocked him as much as her. He hadn't planned on saying anything, but his curiosity seemed to get the better of him.  He noticed that she was a bit wary of him as he was of her, but his speaking seemed to put her over the edge and she fainted.

She wasn't out long, a minute or so, and when she came to, Quincy was standing beside her on a fallen tree.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you. My name is Quincy" he said.

"W-w-what are you?" Laura was able to stammer out, after realizing that her reason for now beign on the ground was that she had most likely fainted.

"I'm a gnome and I live around here.  This is my squirrel James. He says hi too! I can talk to animals. All gnomes can talk to animals!"

"Oh, I wasn't aware gnomes could talk to animals.  To be honest, I was pretty sure that gnomes didn't exist, yet here you stand."

"Really?" Quincy said. "I didn't think humans were real! Can you believe that? And yet here you YOU stand! Er, well sit. Sorry again."

"It's okay, you just caught me by...surprise.  Erm, well I think I should get going. I'm late for....something. Bye."  Laura stood up and started to walk away, but with his intense fascination of people, Quincy couldn't let her go that easily.

"Wait! Can I come with you?" he yelled after her, hopping on James and heading full-speed towards her feet.

"Um, are you going to, like, try and kill me and eat me or something?" Laura asked, looking quincy up and down as best one can look an extremely short creature like a gnome up and down.

"Haha no! I'm just overly curious about humans and, well, I'd like to learn more!"

"Well, okay, I guess, just don't try and eat me or anything. I'll stomp on you if you do."

"Deal!" Quincy agreed and together they head off back to Laura's car.

All the way home, Laura couldn't help but sneak peeks at Quincy. They had talked for a while about gnome life (what Quincy likes to call "gnome-al life" ka-ching!) and human life and having decided he wasn't dangerous, Laura couldn't stop herself from sneaking glances at him. She was fascinated with him. She also found him, much to her own personal chagrin, slightly cute.  Like a young Jon Voigt with a beard.

They finally reached her place and as soon as she opened the door to her apartment, Quincy shot in atop of James.

"Sorry Laura, he doesn't have any manners" Quincy said as he looked around her apartment.  They had discussed food on the way in and were both surprised to learn that they ate pretty similar foods, with the exception of Quincy being a vegetarian (he loved animals too much) and she decided to make some stir-fried veggies for Quincy to try.

"Make yourself comfortable" Laura told Quincy.  "Is there anything I can get you?" she asked him.

"Just some water is fine thanks" Quincy said. "Despite the rumors about gnomes, we like to get to know someone before we set in with the beer and seeing as how it's the first time I've ever met a human, maybe I shouldn't drink. So water'll do just fine."

"Sure thing" Laura said, but Quincy didn't hear. He was currently examining the television set that was on. He couldn't fathom how pictures and noise were coming from this thing.

"What is this?" Quincy asked, unable to take his eyes off of it.

"Oh that's a TV. We watch fake and real programs on it and can learn what is happening in the rest of the world" Laura told him.

"Wooooowwww" purred Quincy, touching the screen and receiving a slight static shock.

He finally managed to pull his eyes away from the television screen for a second and promptly asked Laura where the bathroom was.

"Down the hall and to the right" she told him and off he went.  Lucky for him the door was open too because there was no way he was going to be able to do it himself, thanks to his short stature, but when he entered the bathroom however, he realized that his worries weren't over.

"Holy mushrooms..." he murmured staring up at the largest toilet he had ever seen. "How am I going to get up there?" Quincy thought, looking for the best way to climb up to the sink.

You should know that, despite their size, gnomes are quite the apt little climbers. It's a rare known fact that they have, something akin to spiders, little stickers on their hands and feet that allow them to climb trees to rummage for various things.

Quincy was lucky because the cabinet holding up the sink was made of wood, even though it was like no tree he'd ever climbed, his little stickers worked all the same and soon he found himself standing on the counter, looking out over the toilet.

When he was done, Quincy looked around a bit and found something truly piqued his interest. It was a small baggie that had what looked like sugar in it and it's well-known that gnomes are crazy over sugar!

"Well, I know I shouldn't, but I'm pretty tiny and if I take just a little, she'll never know" he thought to himself, already beginning to open the bag.

He quickly scooped up a handful and poured it down his throat.

"Wowwee! This is way better than sugar! I've never had anything so delicious!" Little did poor Quincy know that this wasn't sugar, but another prized white substance because while Laura didn't go out into the woods to get high, it didn't mean she didn't partake in a very addictive substance...

This where the story takes a turn for the worse and both Quincy's and Laura's lives are about to go down a terrible rabbit hole full of painful realizations and bad choices.  How will this story end? Well, you're going to have to wait and see what happens in the second installment of Crack Gnome-caine


  1. I agree with Pat. There is potential especially if the squirrel ends up being her ex-boyfriend and they rediscover their love for each other as they try to talk Quincy down from his high.

  2. Adam, that's absolutely brilliant and will most certainly be written into one of the next installments. And Pat, yeah I'm hoping so. First as a best seller on the NYT list, then movie rights.