Friday, October 15, 2010

Lessons Not learned

I haven't blogged in quite a while and this is the first of several others that should show up in the next week or so.  But a while ago I blogged about being open-minded and becoming accustomed to new things in a strange new place.  Well it seems I've failed to take my own advice.

I'm still adjusting to life here and as of late, it was pointed out to that I've been doing a lot of complaining and really isolating myself.  Now I've been told this before (by the same person and on more than one  occasion) and it was something I did back in the states as well.  Making excuses for pretty much everything; being selfish with other's time and being ignorant about things.  I didn't listen before.  I think I was too stubborn to accept that I possessed many of these qualities; I was an 'international citizen'!  Well, I still am an international citizen, in a way I guess, but yesterday when these qualities were pointed out to me (yet again), it finally sank in.

I was offended when these things were said, but only because I knew them to be true and couldn't bring myself to accept them.  I stayed up too late last night thinking about them and finally realized I couldn't ignore the truth any longer.  I wasn't who I thought I was and I wasn't being the person I wanted (and want) to be.  I was holing myself up in my room and just unloading on You who so graciously helped me (thank you, I really do appreciate it), which wasn't fair to you and unhealthy for me.

I've realized that I really, really, need to change.  I need to be more proactive with my time here in Elista. I need to go out and do more and really immerse myself in the language and the culture and the people.  I need to keep in contact with those of you back home and across the world who mean so much to me (I apologize for not staying in touch the way I should) and I hope you will let me back in.  I need to really become invested in my teaching and reach out to and accept the help of others when I get stuck.  I've been an ass a lot lately and for that I'm sorry as well.

This doesn't mean things here still won't be hard, but I need to grow a pair and deal with it like a big boy.  I knew what I was getting myself into when I signed up for this and I'm here with a purpose: to become a better teacher and to learn this damned infuriating language and its silly grammar.  Certain things will still be difficult, but far from impossible (unless I get hit by a car, in which case nope, done for) and I can do this.

Now last time I didn't take my own advice.  This time I have to, otherwise I think circumstances will break me.  When I look back at it, I'm ashamed. It's time, Dear Readers, for a change and a huge thank you to You who helped (you know who you are,  I appreciate your care and your honestly, I really do).

3 comments:

  1. i think a lot of this is part of the living/working abroad package. i'm totally with you on a lot of these experiences and recently snapped myself out of a similar funk. maybe its part of the culture shock process...? congrats on turning a corner. i hope it serves you well.

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  2. I think it is. I think part of it too is, at least for me, is because I'm in such a small town. Going from Seattle down to maybe 75,000 in a different country is a huge change. But thank you, it feels good to do better, for me and those around me. I'm glad you snapped yourself out of your funk!

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  3. I'm glad that you're busting your own balls this hard. It's the only thing that can get yourself into gear. I can't wait to read your new and improved adventures!

    Boom!

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