Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Steven Seagal, Chuck Norris and....Elista (maybe JCVD as well)

I wouldn't have guessed before I showed up here, especially since the city and region are predominantly Buddhist, but Elista is apparently also a Mecca for action stars.  And I don't mean just any action stars, I mean two of THE BEST action stars ever: Steven Seagal and Chuck Norris.

I mean WHOA!!!!! Not only did Steven Seagal come (he is a practicing Buddhist so I guess it makes sense...more or less) but so came the one and only CHUCK NORRIS!  Here! In Elista! The awesomeness of this city has increased 10-fold since I learned of this.  Kalmyk people only need JCVD to round out the top three greatest action stars of all time to visit their city (if you don't know who JCVD is, then you're obviously not a fan of action flicks....or awesomeness).

While neither Steven Seagal or Chuck Norris were in "The Expendables", instead of making that movie, they probably should have simply flown to Elista and just walked around with a camera.  I mean the only place you're likely to find a greater concentration of pure, adrenaline-filled action is that hideaway temple where the ninjas train in "Ninja Assasin".

Here, if you don't believe me look!

That's Steven Seagall playing chess with the President of Kalmykia, Kirsan Ilyumzhinov.  I don't know who won, but if Kirsan Ilyumzhinov knew what was good for him, he let Steven Seagal win and saved himself a roundhouse to the face.  

And if you don't believe me that Chuck Norris was here, then here is your proof of that as well.

And for those of you who don't know how absolutely amazing Chuck Norris is, think about some of his incredible feats:
  • Chuck Norris has stood at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
  • Chuck Norris has counted to infinity....twice.
  • Chuck Norris can eat four 30-lb bowling balls without chewing.
  • Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect-Four in only three moves.
  • Chuck Norris was once bitten by a rattlesnake.....after three days of pain and agony........the rattlesnake died.
Now I mentioned that JCVD is the only one of the top three action stars to never have publicly visited the city, but I'm sure that he is either: a) here right now, in disguise b) wiped out anyone here with knowledge that he ever WAS here.  So you can, in good faith Dear Readers, know that the three greatest action stars of all time have been to Elista.

I know for a fact that Mike 'Kratos' would like this place and be honored to walk on such holy ground.  So, Dear Readers, you should think twice before ever bad mouthing Russia because secretly Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal (and probably JCVD) call it a home-away-from-home.  And after reading through just a FEW of Chuck's feats, I wouldn't mess with him.


  1. Whoa awesomeness! Chuck Norris is so awesome that he doesn't sleep... he waits.

  2. Hahaha oh MAN! That's so crazy! We're you on a bus or something when you took those pics of Norris?

    Eff You! That's so awesome!! I DO want to perform my own holy-mecca to this place you call "The Motherland", convert to Buddhism and play chess with Chuck Seagal (in this scenario, they are a two-headed being of sheer intense awesome).

    You are a lucky man, my good Scotsman.

    KRATOS, out!