Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The Creature in the Bathroom

For those of you who know may, your first assumption will likely be that this is going to be a fairly disgusting blog post, but as with many posts as of late, I've fooled you yet again!  It will not be disgusting, at least not for many of you, however it is quite so for myself. For those of you who REALLY know me, then you'll certainly know what my greatest fear is and understand where I am coming from here.

I woke up this morning a little worse for the wear (stomach jihad is an inescapable impossibility when traveling - okay so it's a little gross, sorry).  But that's not what bothered me.  What I saw was something else, something that scared me infinitely more and sent a stream of shivers down my spine; the kind you feel when you're in a dark, damp basement all alone and your imagination gets the better of you.  What I happened to see was, or what I believe to be, a friggin enorgantongous (my own word - think enormous/gigantic/humongous) spider smashed on the wall.

This is a little more than disturbing to me.  My two biggest fears are 1. spiders and 2. going to prison (my true ultimate fear is a prison where all the inmates are horrible, horrible spiders...*shudder*) and while I have no intention of going to prison anytime soon, it is slightly more difficult to limit my contact with, and exposure to, spiders.

I. Do. Not. Like. Spiders. And to be perfectly honest, should one these horrid creatures, these spawn of Satan make its way into my room and/or anywhere near or on my person while I am unaware of it, I'll be out of Russia faster than you can say Perestroika.  I will disappear faster than a dissenter from the days of the Soviet Union.  Gone.  Vamos.  Из России, поняли?

I hate spiders so much that when I'm driving a car and there's a spider, I cease to drive the car.  My whole existence at that point is focused on removing that beast from my presence and I would sooner die in a fiery crash as my car careens off a cliff, exploding with movie-like quality, than let that little 8-legged freak on me.  Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

Anyways, I just thought you should know, Dear Readers, that if you don't know much about Russia, then know this: there are some truly terrifying things here, lurking in the dark, waiting to spring when you least expect it, as if your worst nightmares have come to life.  Be ready and be afraid, be very afraid....

*Keep in mind that I tend to lie about the size of spiders in much the same way fisherman lie about the size of their catch.*


  1. Once when I was working in the basement of Suzallo, a monstrous hobo spider came out from under my desk and crawled over my foot. I've never felt so terrified. Once it got off my foot I grabbed a massive Bosnian dictionary and annihilated that spider.
    Shortly thereafter I decided I had worked enough for the day and went home. So I understand you. Completely.

    But at least you didn't get a Fulbright to South America or Australia. There you don't squash spiders. They squash you. Instead of having warning signs for deer on the side of highways, they have signs for spiders...

  2. Not going to lie man, I was going to post a link of a picture of a spider I took the other day. But then I thought- W.W.C.D.

    What Would Cameron Do?

    And Cameron would cry like a girl, so I decided not to.

    But I feel ya. While I was taking these photos, I had to mondo grasp my phobias of spiders. got some cool shots, even though I shiver every time I look at them...

  3. They are terrible. Once when I was 9 or 10 we were re-doing our downstairs ceiling and after a shower I was drying my hair and one of those giant E.WA brown spiders comes running out of the towel and down across my face. I took a bath for two weeks after that. Quite possibly the worst day of my life, certainly the worst day at that point in my life.